Lost Peace

Imagine being at total peace. There is nothing in the world that could disturb you in this very moment. You are completely, and totally, without care.

There are very few moments in life when one can feel such security, but I have always been of the impression that dreams were this time for me. So, when I woke, after dreaming of a former friend, and our troublesome friendship, I felt anything but calm.

You see, this friend and I were once very close. And through both fault of their own and mine, we fell out of touch. Though, I would have to say that the reason we aren’t speaking at the moment would be on me.

In a moment of pain, I said some pretty hurtful things to someone about them. I didn’t mean any of them, and I regret them deeply. But, there is nothing that I can do about it now.

What I can do is try and make things right.

I have a boyfriend. (You all knew that, I just like saying it because it sounds so damn nice leaving my lips.)

And my boyfriend is one of the most thoughtful people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He has taught me so much about life, and I don’t think that he even realizes just how crucial to my growth that he is right now. But he is.

And one of the things that he has taught me is that when you feel that you have done something wrong, you work your damnest to fix it. You do not allow bad energy to linger in your space, because it draws more badness.

Perhaps this is a Chinese proverb… I’m not sure that I’m getting it right. I should ask him…

In any event, when I woke up after this dream, I felt a few different things.

Anger? Sure. I was pissed, that after everything that I had said to this person, the secrets that I had shared with them, and them calling me family, they would just end contact with me.

Confusion? Definitely. I couldn’t, for the life of me, fathom a reason that someone would say something so meaningful, and so deep, to a person unless they truly thought it. And If they didn’t think it, why lie about it. (Cue more anger.)

Pain? You bet. I was hurt that this person could lie to me so easily, and then just toss me aside, as if I meant nothing to them. It made me feel expendable. Like garbage.

Remorse? More than anything else, yes. Because, rather than try and figure out what was going on with this person whom I considered such a good friend, whom I knew was nothing less than an amazing person, I berated them to a relative stranger. Someone they hated.

I regret saying the things that I said. And even though it’s been months at this point, I still regret doing it just as much as the day I did it.

So I wrote this person a letter expressing as much as I felt they would be willing to read. I stuck this letter to their car door. And now I am leaving it up to them to forward this.

I do not think that we could ever be friend again. I do not think that I can trust them, and I do not think that they can tolerate me.

But I promised this person that I would always be there for them, and that is a promise that I intend to keep.

Because even if we continue to not speak from this point on, should they ever reach out to me, I will be there.

I mean that.

And even if I am not there to see them fly, I still want to know that they are in the skies.



One of the Libra person’s trademarks are the inability to feel completely comfortable when alone. That feeling of lonesomeness is also one that comes quite easily to the Libra, and because of this, they find themselves in constant need of company, companionship, human interaction.

I have always admired people who were able to enjoy their alone time. I’m not that kind of person. I lack the independence necessary to enjoy solitude to its fullest.

Solitude has, however, latched its claws into me and draped its long arms around my shoulders lately. I have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now.

It’s not for lack of company though. I more or less go out with someone every weekend. But that’s simply to enough for me. I miss being able to just hang out with someone and talk about random things. Or talk about serious things. Or be told that I think about things in a weird manner. I just miss… just hanging out.

I have not single friend in the city of College Park right now. Everyone has left. Well, to be fair, Taylor is here, but we never see each other because she’s always ridding a damn horse in her free time.

(Apologies, Miss Bendalin. Keep riding those horses. They’ll make you rich one day.)

Of course, I know other people, but no one that I would consider a friend. At least, not a good enough friend that I could just pop up at their door randomly. Or sleep on their couch. In their room. Even in their place. I don’t trust anyone else here that much.

So, here I am, a lonely young adult, struggling to get his education, and creeping closer to a life as a cocaine kingpin.

I could totally do it. If I tilt my face down 20 degrees, I look evil AF.

This is where Ejaz comes in. And I sure hope he doesn’t find this, because it would make for a very awkward third date.

“Hey, Mikey… so I saw you wrote about me… could you maybe not?”

“… Sure Ejaz… now just excuse me for a quick second while I kill myself in your bathtub.”

Back to it though…

Ejaz and I met a short while ago. He actually told me that he was scared to say anything to me because he thought I was too good-looking to be interested in him. Me. Has he not an eyeball in his head?

But, we’ve been hanging out from time to time, and I like him. He’s really interesting. He has opinions that make no sense to me, which makes me want to listen to him explain himself more and more. And he’s got the best hair I’ve ever seen before.

Like seriously, it makes no sense for someone to have hair as amazing as his.

And I like him, and I’ve been as honest with him as possible, but I find myself questioning something. Rather, Michelle said something to me and made me question something.

Michelle is really just my inner thoughts and uncertainties personified into the form of a sassy black woman who loves business attire.

I hope it’s not racist of me to call her a sassy black woman…

In any event, she brought up that I may just be lonely and using him to pass the time. Which could be the case. Maybe I am just using him to pass the time. But, what is dating if not just an elaborate way to pass time?

Why meet someone, spend time with them, get to know them, and do the whole song and dance, if not to pass time? Sure, you could say that it’s in order to find a prospective significant other, but at its core, all you two are doing is passing time.

It’s just in a way that’s more robust than watching Netflix.

Or Hulu, can we talk about how I haven’t seenĀ The Mindy Project since its first season, and am now binge watching it because I am Mindy Lahiri.

Im so serious.


I think that right now I may be rambling, but that’s okay. I didn’t have much of a theme for this blog post, I just wanted to say something.

I’m tired of being alone here. I need a friend. I don’t want a relationship.

Well, scratch that.

I am in the preliminary stages of a relationship. BUT, I would love to have a friend in this city even more so. Someone who I could just open a beer, or a bottle of wine with, and play a video game or watch a shitty movie or go running with. I need a workout buddy. I need someone who’s down to just randomly go to a bar a get shit faced and then walk home trying to act sober in front of the police.

I need a fucking friend out here man. Because unless one of my friends moves back, this is going to be a very lonely year for me.

(BTW, I’m totally down for some pho right now because I saw a video on Facebook. Any takers?)

(ALSO, my cat is ok. I know everyone was worried when I said I thought she had gotten thrown away, but she was just behind my bed. Lena P was hiding from me, but she came home.)


Hiding in Reality

   So right now, I’m actually hiding in a public restroom. It’s not a stall, it’s one that’s an actual room, and I can lock the door and ignore all of the people who knock because they need to pee. 

   Sorry, my existential crisis is just a little bit more important to me than your bladder Rebecca. You can hold it…

   Anyway, I woke up today in the best mood I’ve been in in weeks. I had a really great dream last night, and it felt like real life. It was one of those dreams that you hold onto for the rest of all eternity because it just felt so real. 

   In it, I was living in my own apartment in New York. It was probably a much more lavish apartment than the one I will have when I move there in a year… but who’s keeping tabs? And in this apartment sat a friend of mine.

   This friend was lounging on my sofa, complaining about work, complaining about life, complaining about something, and I was telling them that they were being dramatic and that nothing could possibly be as bad as they were making it out to be.

   I know what you’re thinking. “This friend is the person who you’ve lost your marbles over, Mikey…” And you’d be right to say that. The friend in my dream was the friend who I’m putting through hell right now.

   But the craziest thing is, in my dream, as we talked, this random woman walked through my door. Now, I didn’t know who this woman was at first, but I also did. Does that make sense? Let me clarify things.

   In my concious mind, if that exists while you sleep, I had no idea who this woman was. But she was beautiful. And she smelled like vanilla. I kind of knew who she was when I smelled that. (Can you smell dreams? Well I did…)

  However, in my dream-self’s concious mind, I knew this woman to be my girlfriend. Which is why it would make sense that she smelled like vanilla; because I usually smell like vanilla. What could be more romantic that a couple that smells alike? 

   That is, unless the smell is unpleasant. I wouldn’t venture to refer to that as romantic? Repulsive, maybe?

   In any event, this woman made me light up with joy. I ran over and kissed her, and I felt the most content that I have ever felt in my life.

   And my friend was there, on the sofa, and he watched us. And he smiled at us. And then he threw a cat.

   I knew who that cat was. 

   He’s reading this, so he knows who that cat was too.

  And that was the gist of it. 

   I say all of this to say this. And I’m going to say it directly…

   For the past few weeks, I have put you through absolute hell. I have confused you, I have made you feel like a criminal, I have made you think that everything is your fault.

   For that, I am sorry.

   I am sorry that I put all of the blame on you for this. Because it’s not all your fault. A great deal falls on me too.

   I should have been more honest. I shouldn’t have let my fears hold me back. I should have just lived in the moment with you, just as you tried to do with me.

   I just couldn’t help but think you would be satisfied with me, for many reasons. My body, my race, my inability to conform to so many social norms. My inability to take you to fancy places. My inability to drop everything and just go to New York with you. My inability to satisfy you. (My mother sees this so I won’t specify, but you and I both know what I mean)

   This whole thing came from my fear of you. You scared me shitless. And I know that I wasn’t the type of guy that you had ever showed any interest in. And I wasn’t sure that if we got into things, that your family or friends would ever accept me either.

   Black. Outspoken. Extremely dinstinctivrlely dressed.

   But that is no excuse. 

   I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for making it seem like I thought you wanted to hurt me. I am sorry for ever even thinking that you wanted to hurt me. 

   You are amazing. In every way. I mean that. And you know me.

   You know that my heart is good.

   You know that the person you’ve seen these past few weeks is not me.

   Two days ago you told me that it wasn’t you who was hard to read, but me. I see that now. Even I don’t know how to read myself sometimes.

   Fear and inexperience is a horrible thing.

   But, this is my attempt at an apology. I hope you can forgive me. 

   I mean it when I say this, and I always have. I love you. And I don’t say that romantically this time

   I feel like you’re one of my best friends. And I’m treating you like you’re my enemy. 

  You’re not. You’re a great ally.

  I hope you can forgive me. Because I truly, truly am sorry, Rex.

   And since I know you read this, fucking come pick up your shoes. I spent money on these damn things and I’m not going to wear them. Idk wtf you think this is. Fucking asshole. -.-