Imagine being at total peace. There is nothing in the world that could disturb you in this very moment. You are completely, and totally, without care.
There are very few moments in life when one can feel such security, but I have always been of the impression that dreams were this time for me. So, when I woke, after dreaming of a former friend, and our troublesome friendship, I felt anything but calm.
You see, this friend and I were once very close. And through both fault of their own and mine, we fell out of touch. Though, I would have to say that the reason we aren’t speaking at the moment would be on me.
In a moment of pain, I said some pretty hurtful things to someone about them. I didn’t mean any of them, and I regret them deeply. But, there is nothing that I can do about it now.
What I can do is try and make things right.
I have a boyfriend. (You all knew that, I just like saying it because it sounds so damn nice leaving my lips.)
And my boyfriend is one of the most thoughtful people that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He has taught me so much about life, and I don’t think that he even realizes just how crucial to my growth that he is right now. But he is.
And one of the things that he has taught me is that when you feel that you have done something wrong, you work your damnest to fix it. You do not allow bad energy to linger in your space, because it draws more badness.
Perhaps this is a Chinese proverb… I’m not sure that I’m getting it right. I should ask him…
In any event, when I woke up after this dream, I felt a few different things.
Anger? Sure. I was pissed, that after everything that I had said to this person, the secrets that I had shared with them, and them calling me family, they would just end contact with me.
Confusion? Definitely. I couldn’t, for the life of me, fathom a reason that someone would say something so meaningful, and so deep, to a person unless they truly thought it. And If they didn’t think it, why lie about it. (Cue more anger.)
Pain? You bet. I was hurt that this person could lie to me so easily, and then just toss me aside, as if I meant nothing to them. It made me feel expendable. Like garbage.
Remorse? More than anything else, yes. Because, rather than try and figure out what was going on with this person whom I considered such a good friend, whom I knew was nothing less than an amazing person, I berated them to a relative stranger. Someone they hated.
I regret saying the things that I said. And even though it’s been months at this point, I still regret doing it just as much as the day I did it.
So I wrote this person a letter expressing as much as I felt they would be willing to read. I stuck this letter to their car door. And now I am leaving it up to them to forward this.
I do not think that we could ever be friend again. I do not think that I can trust them, and I do not think that they can tolerate me.
But I promised this person that I would always be there for them, and that is a promise that I intend to keep.
Because even if we continue to not speak from this point on, should they ever reach out to me, I will be there.
I mean that.
And even if I am not there to see them fly, I still want to know that they are in the skies.